Why Adults Still Struggle to Handle Their Emotions—And What to Do About It

By Kevin Bergen, LMFT

I was recently struck by a powerful line in a short video by psychologist Ethan Kross: “Emotion regulation begins in the seconds following birth.” As a therapist, I immediately thought—not just of children—but of the many adults I see in my office who were never given the chance to learn this fundamental skill.

We now understand that emotional regulation isn’t just a “nice-to-have” trait for social success—it’s essential to mental health, resilience, and especially satisfying relationships with others. And yet, too many adults today either believe they can’t do anything about their emotions, or they don’t know how. As Kross puts it, some children “don’t think it’s possible to manage their emotions”—and tragically, many grow into adults who still believe that.

I’ve seen this firsthand. I’ve worked with clients who, when overwhelmed, threw up their hands and let emotion dictate their behavior. Others retreated into depression and despair, feeling hopeless about ever changing what someone had labeled as ‘their depression.’ Some were in relationship breakdown or job crises because no one ever taught them how to slow down, name their feelings, or engage tools to manage and regulate them. Some have reported people in their lives—often family members—who display what appear to be traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I bring this up not to shame or stigmatize anyone, but to offer a clear example of what emotional dysregulation can look like when it becomes especially severe. BPD can involve intense emotional volatility, viewing situations (or people) as either entirely good or entirely bad, and even panic-level reactions to relatively minor stress.

But this isn’t about pathology. It’s about a society that has under-prioritized emotional education.

So what can we do about this? Let’s begin by accepting not only that it’s possible to regulate our emotions, but also accepting our individual responsibility to keep learning and improving this crucial skill. These tools and habits we build can make daily life calmer, clearer, and more connected—for ourselves and everyone around us.

For Adults Learning Emotional Regulation

Here are a few simple, science-based practices:

• Name it to tame it: Emotions lose power when we put accurate words to them. “I feel overwhelmed and ashamed” is more helpful than “I’m freaking out.”
• Shift perspective: Ask, “What would I say to a friend feeling this way?” or try the “Batman Effect” (yes, it works for grown-ups too—and I’ll say more about this powerful tool below).
• Breathe on purpose: Slow, diaphragmatic breathing calms the nervous system and creates space for choice. Really! Don’t dismiss this powerful tool just because it sounds cliché.
• *Self-compassion: You don’t have to like how you feel, but you can stop judging yourself for it. (I starred this one because it’s important and foundational for emotional regulation—and life in general!)

Emotional regulation isn’t the suppression of feeling—it’s learning how to feel with skill.

For Parents: Teaching Kids What We’re Still Learning

(Also helpful for adults as we re-parent ourselves)

Start now (even if you didn’t start early), and start small:

• Model what you’re learning: Narrate your process: “I’m really frustrated, so I’m going to take a few breaths before we talk.”
• Use play and story: One engaging technique is what Kross refers to as the “Batman Effect.” This approach encourages children to adopt the persona of a strong, capable character (like Batman) during challenging situations. By pretending to be someone else, kids gain emotional distance from their distress and can approach the problem more calmly and strategically. Although Kross coined the term, it’s based on a broader psychological principle known as self-distancing. Research shows it to be effective for both children and adults.
• Teach naming and problem-solving: Help kids identify their feelings and brainstorm options—“You’re sad because your friend left. What might help you handle this feeling better?”

As Kross says, the more kids learn these tools, the more likely they are to use them—and thrive. The same goes for us as adults as long as we keep learning and implementing what we learn.

Let’s not just wish our parents did a better job with us. Let’s not wait for schools or systems to catch up. Let’s start with ourselves. If we want future generations to be more emotionally resilient, we must become emotionally resilient adults. That begins with the belief that we can regulate our emotions—and the willingness to keep learning how.